I hope you had a Merry Christmas. But in truth,
I hope your Christmas was miserable. I wish you had an ache in your heart because something was missing. I hope you were by yourself and it was just another day for you. And I think you and I both know why. You left me. Before I even left my mom’s womb you chose to leave and I don’t think you understand the sudden impact that caused me. So here, I’ll give you a recap of what you missed:
I was the coolest kid according to all the adults I hung around. I was often described as an old soul. My entertainer skills were top notch with my Shakira dance moves and my little singing soul. I eventually had to grow up when the other kids decided I wasn’t cool and tore me to shreds with words that hurt more than sticks and stones ever could.
During this time my mom dealt with all my “sick days.” This is also around the same time your absence hit me like a sudden death. Where were you? What were you doing? But out of hate for you I never tried to pry about it but the questions stick like glue.
Are you married? Are you proud of yourself? Do I have siblings? What’s your medical history? Are you loud and obnoxious or calm and quiet? But with all my questions, I’ll answer questions that parents should be able to answer about their own children… are you ready?
Okay, first, my favorite holiday is Christmas. It’s the only Holiday that I get to see all of my family and be able to be obnoxiously happy for the duration of a month. My favorite colors are blue, green, pink and black. Four is a lot, I’m aware, but there are too many colors to narrow down to one. I love sweaters because they are cozy and they feel like a warm hug. I have a thing for sad songs, camping, game nights, and babies. Babies don’t know the pain that eventually every child will experience which leaves their innocence as refreshing as a cup of hot chocolate on a cold, winter day. I look exactly like my mom, minus the height. I have the best family. It’s a crazy blend of everything unique and different, it’s kind of like if I had a zoo.
My mom eventually met a guy a few short years after I came along and after about 10 years of walking the line of jealousy and bitterness I can say that his kids and I truly are siblings. I almost always try too hard to please and be liked by everyone around me. My best friends come and go but my cousins are forever, so yes, I’m obsessed with them. I have family with no blood that bonds me. I am a sister to a woman who has grown to be my ultimate confidant and supporter. We don’t share parents but we share experiences and with that we have seen each other bloom through weeds that tried to hinder us and with that I got to see her get married and I get to be an aunt to her son.
But I am afraid all these things are unimportant here. What matters is the fact that my world is never full. It’s that when I think about having a boyfriend it is the scariest thing in the world because what if he leaves? You know, like you did.
It’s every time I see a father daughter dance I want to throw up but also sob because sometimes that relationship is so precious it warms my cold, cold heart. I really wish I could insert my sweet cousins father daughter dance from earlier this fall but in truth it would do nothing but show how amazing their relationship, bond and memories are and that we have none.
I’m not perfect and I never will be, my past and my pain will never not suffocate me but after twenty years, I thought it was time you should know.
Dad, I’m fine. I don’t need you and I never will. My life is full of love and happiness even when I deny it, run away from it and try to escape it. Every little girl needs someone to hold her when she’s down, tell her she’s beautiful but that she is more powerful than her looks. But lucky for you my mom and so many kind and loving people stepped up to the plate of parenthood more than you ever could. And I wouldn’t trade those people for you any day.
So Merry Christmas and maybe a happy New Year.
The daughter you left behind
Ember Skye is a 20 year old college student who worries about everything and spends all of her money on things she thinks she needs at Target. The people in her life hold the most value but her cats are coming at a close second. You can follow her ig handle: @emberskyehouse or read her blog at https://burninghouse.wixsite.com/burninghouse